By: Chelsea, from the YouTube Channel: MommysTrying Anyone who has ever had baby fever can attest that it’s an emotional and psychological roller coaster ride. It’s more than a feeling, it’s almost like an instinct
By: Chelsea, from the YouTube Channel: MommysTrying
Anyone who has ever had baby fever can attest that it’s an emotional and psychological roller coaster ride. It’s more than a feeling, it’s almost like an instinct that you violently feel like you want to bear a baby inside you. Don’t get me wrong, not everyone feels this or should feel obligated to go through this but once it hits you you better get ready for the wave of emotions.
There was a time where I was ready to have a child but my husband wasn’t. And, that is. Okay. Of course it was never a deal breaker in our marriage, just another obstacle we had to go through as husband and wife. I claimed I was “okay” with him not wanting to have children yet because I knew from past experiences, you cannot make a man (or anyone for that matter) do something they’re not ready to do yet. And I knew I had to respect that for my husband and my best friend. But boy that waiting period for my husband to finally tell me he’s ready to procreate made for some of the most painful emotional times I’ve ever gone through for some reason.
Acceptance, Denial, Breakdown, Repeat
Like I said, it felt like an emotional roller coaster ride just waiting for my husband to tell me he was ready to parent with me. I knew I had to respect his wishes and beliefs because I understood where he was coming from and I loved him. In my mind, I was 27 years old, I had finished school, worked a full time job for 1 – 1.5 years, and I was ready for the next chapter in my life. He was finally enjoying the “us” time. The time where I actually had free time to spend with him since I wasn’t in school anymore. The time he’s waited for ever since we first met up in High School (we’re high school sweethearts). He wanted to continue to enjoy that “us” time and I wanted that baby.
There were days and moments where I felt completely fine. Normal. And then something would just trigger that painful feeling. Maybe it was a combination of patients (I worked at a Physical Therapy clinic at the time) asking me if I have children, maybe it was the rise of intense jealously and hurt when you hear a cousin got pregnant and it was unplanned. Maybe it was an adorable family you would see at a store with their innocent toddler running down an isle and you wanted nothing more than to have that very same thing. It was a pain that started in your mouth, then your throat would get hot and tight, and then your eyes would sting because you wanted to cry right then and there as soon as you saw or even heard that someone else has a family and you don’t get to start one yet. I know I may have sounded ungrateful, stubborn, or impatient, but like I said, it’s a mix of emotions you can’t control and it’ll just hit you unexpectedly.
The pain of crying yourself to sleep or in the shower before bed every other night was something I had to get used to until my husband was ready to be a dad. I’m sure my husband knew I felt like this but he also wasn’t going to change his beliefs and feelings towards the situation just because he sees me hurting. He knew he had to be ready on his own terms, not by influence. And that’s also something I eventually came to understand and ultimately accept.
So the breaking out in hives part
You feel an array of different emotions. You start second guessing yourself. Am I enough? Should we really wait and travel first since everyone says it’s harder to go out and travel once you have a baby? Should I have decided to go back to school instead of wanting to start a family? My eggs are getting old! Which I personally think played a huge factor to me because in my mind I didn’t want to start having my first child past 30 years old and I was on a timer!
It’s like I felt so ugly inside because something inside me was missing. I used to literally feel like I didn’t have a purpose in life anymore. Why was I waking up? For what? To go to work? To do my same routine when I knew nothing would change (at least that’s how you feel if you don’t know when the pain will end). I used to tell my close friends that it felt like something was literally missing in my life and I felt empty because of that. I didn’t look at life the same way and I couldn’t shake it out of me, consistently at least, because it was a feeling that wouldn’t leave me alone.
My skin felt dirty and I would cry to myself in the shower and tell myself this will pass. Because I knew it would. And if it didn’t, then that was something else I would have to overcome. I would ask God to help calm me down so I could finally go to sleep on a dry pillow. I would dream of a little child holding my hand. I never got to see their face but I would dream of running around with a child. It didn’t quite feel like it was my own child, it was just a child I was with. It was like my subconscious was preparing me for what could happen to me. Either I would get what I want or not.
It’ll get better
In my case, of course you all know I have a daughter so you know what my husband’s ultimate answer to me was. But whatever your significant other tells you, you’re in the parenting thing together. It would be best for the both of you and your future child to have a strong foundation first. Of course all marriages are different and there are no set rules in a relationship but make sure it’s a healthy one that has love and respect. And that each person understands and is willing to give that to one another. That was something that also helped me get through the “baby fever” stage and anything else life threw at me. I luckily married my best friend and I knew then and still know now we could get through anything together.